Yesterday, during Joe Dispenza’s teaching of the Box meditation, all lights went on in my head. Since my birth, my body has been in survival mode and has not yet released it. I’m dumbfounded by
the insight that for nearly 52 years, my body has been craving the emotion of not feeling safe in order to feel safe—the latter of course isn’t “safe” but actually FAMILIAR.
I popped into this world with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, gasping for air while my immediate instinctual response was to check out again right away. Not sure what this dense
pit hole is about but not with me, I thought, and instantly decided that this was not a good place for me to be. Not only were the energies extremely dense and heavy, those strange looking beings
around me behaved mostly like idiots and did really nonsensical things, like stuffing me in a bag where I no longer was able to move these four strange tentacles I now had and didn’t know what to
do with. At least, if I could move them, I could figure out what they were good for, but nope … they were always tied up in some way, so I felt trapped, restrained and thoroughly unhappy.
This, and the energetic chaos I was exposed to in an utterly disfunctional home with a alcoholic father and passive aggressive and very manipulative mother, left me with one predominant feeling
that has since ruled my life in ways I could have never imagined: Not feeling safe.
Even after three years of doing the work of Joe Dispenza, I thought I had a thorough understanding of the concept down to the details of what he teaches, yet yesterday taught me differently. I
was completely stunned when during a teaching of the Box Meditation, which I had heard several times already, I was suddenly given a clear vision of how it all applies to me and the way I came
into this life.
The moment I entered this plane of existence on Sept 11, 1968 (yep, that one) my entire system went into a state stock, then spun into survival mode, which it never left since. Survival mode
means the brain goes into high beta, the adrenals flood the body with cortisol and all other metabolic functions are reduced to a minimum because the body is in full alert, constantly scanning
the environment for possible enemies that might threaten its existence.
This state accompanied me throughout my entire childhood. Losing a sister to a car accident when I was five years old didn’t make things better, but rather it elevated the degree of disfunction
in the family to a whole new level. Violence, hysteria, abuse … the whole show, you get the picture.
So, early on, my body formed an addiction to being in a state of survival - or more specifically, being in a state of not feeling safe. As confusing as it may sound, it gained a sense of safety
and security from not feeling safe. Of course, this sense of security is an illusion. To the body it felt good, yet in truth that was only because it felt familiar.
It takes a bit of guts to sit down and look at your life through a whole new lense, especially when what you’re seeing is not only very painful but also robs you of all excuses you ever thought
up about your own victimhood and others’ wrong doings. But it’s necessary to uncover the pattern we establish as a result of the body’s efforts to re-create a state of being that perpetuates the
illusion of safety through continually re-experiencing emotions of the past.
In doing just that, I realized how I unconsciously created situations in my life under the disguise of something completely different while what I was really doing was to allow my body to drag me
back to survival mode over and over and over again.
This scenario played out in literally every aspect of my life: relationships, work life, living situations, a myriad of choices I made … almost every one of them unconsciously guided by my body’s
attempt to maintain a state of survival. The details manifested in many different shapes and forms, yet the end result was always the same—I didn’t feel safe and was extremely unhappy, which
always led me to wishing for myself a chance to exit this plane.
And all of this played out without me being aware of any of it. That’s the terribly crux in this kind of negative conditioning. You have no idea that it’s taking place, because it is all you know
and you don’t even question any of it. Why would you? The body is happy … or at least fairly content, as long as it’s given the option to continually feed on the negative emotional programme
that’s running your life.
For those who know me personally, this might be a hard pill to swallow. To most people I appear content, happy and always very centered. They like most about me that I’m calm like a mountain lake
and solid as a rock. There is no outer sign that speaks of survival mode to them. Well, everyone deals with a state of survival differently … I learned early on that staying calm and focused
could save my life. Like a great warrior who is constantly alert and aware of the ongoings in his environment, my perceptions were heightened but my processing took place within, knowing that
only a clear and sharp mind would guarantee my survival.
But then one day, I began to change things. I began to challenge my mind to become the master of my emotions and hence take control over my states of being. In immersing myself in a kind of inner
work previously unknown to me, I learned to create coherence between my brain and heart and open the latter even in situations that had put me on red alert before.
What happened then was that a process was set into motion that threw me into the most unusual and uncomfortable states I ever found myself in.
In order to create a new life, we must create a new identity. Logically so, because the old identity with all its patterning, programs, thoughts, actions and beliefs is tied to the old life we
had, which we no longer want, right? So, to create a new life, we must become a new person … with new thoughts, new actions, new beliefs, a new philosophy, and in order to become a new person, we
have to change at a fundamental level: at the level of energy. By changing our frequency, we change our energetic output and hence create a new energetic signature. How do we do that? We put the
mind in charge and create new emotional experiences within. These positive emotions generate a different frequency, etc.
When the mind is beginning to release old programs by simply stepping out of the energy and creating a new energy field, we feel amazing in the moment we do it. But to the body that is used to
survival mode, this new emotional state is a threat, an unknown factor that alarms the alert system.
Now the real work begins. While the mind is diving into states of bliss and ecstasy, the body is reeling in withdrawal, throwing every possible scenario at us in an attempt to re-create the old
emotional state, in my case, a sense of not feeling safe. This inner conflict causes massive tension in our entire system and creates a chaotic energetic signature which in turn can draw in
conflict, chaos and messy things to happen in our life. It so happened with me.
Yesterday, when struck by light all of a sudden, I realized how I have been going back and forth between the two poles of the field of tension—the mind, which holds the vision and emotional
signature of the new identity and new life, and the bod, which desperately tries to draw me back into situations that leave me feeling not safe. I can now see how this pattern was active in my
life over the past three years and how I have wavered back and forth between one pole and the other. To be honest, I felt like an idiot because I knew I was missing a piece but couldn’t figure it
out. I felt stuck, stagnate, blocked, while at the same time sensing that the new was always just lurking around the corner. It never felt far away, but then, at times, it felt completely out of
reach. I was aware how, for three years, I had been swaying back and forth between the new and the old in most all situations in my life.
Doors opened, doors closed. Opportunities arose and were lost faster than I could turn my head. New people came but old scenarios repeated themselves. I felt like I was moving three steps forward
and two, sometimes even four back. Now, I can see it clearly. Every time the new was beginning to show up in my life, my body tricked me into making a choice that was somehow connected to the
old. The options seemed obvious but what they truly contained was often covertly hidden behind a face that appeared wonderful at first sight. The body is the greatest trickster there is!
Let me explain this by using a particular example: I have longed to live in my own house out in the country, far off from other people and any human-made noise and energetic disturbance. I long
for stillness and living in nature not only because I’m an empath highly sensitive to noise and energies but also because I had created for myself living situations in which I had neither and on
top of it my boundaries were violated and abuse took place. Of course!! Only now it dawned on me that my body’s need for survival energies drew these in!! Get the conflict in this?
So, what is my current living situation? I live in a vacation rental souterrain in a one-family home owned by an older couple. They are super nice and truly like me like a daughter. Which means
the boundaries between my privacy and theirs sometimes blur and they automatically assume that it’s totally okay that I can hear every word spoken in the movie they watch every night (or the
news). Because we are so close, they assume things to be okay that are truly not, but of course my body is in a constant state of alert … and refuses to move out.
The entire old program even goes so far as because of this effort to maintain a state of emotional survival mode that part of me has no desire to owning a house that might potentially be a quiet
and happy place without energetic interference. And because I didn’t recognize this, I allowed my body to prevent me from manifesting that for three years!
Essentially, whenever a sense of safety and security poked its head in, the body freaked out because this made it feel very unsafe. It only felt safe when I felt unsafe. And not being aware of
this until now, I allowed my body to keep all good things away from me that might make me feel safe, protected, stable, nourished and happy, such as my living environment, my work, my
relationships and so much more.
Breaking this pattern, or stepping out of that box as Joe Dispenza would call it, requires a tremendous amount of attentiveness and focus. I can now see the
dynamic that has ruled my life for many decades, and I’m eternally grateful to my body for dragging me into all the situations I currently find myself in as they allowed me to become aware of the
dynamic with such clarity that I’m almost stunned.
And, of course, right after getting over the astonishment, I will get to work and put my body into its proper place. After all, the body is nothing but the ego … learning to surrender to the true
Master.
